I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
