I bet he comes in French.
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Randomize
