I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Randomize
