I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
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