The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Randomize
