if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Randomize
