Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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