and i looked up. we had an audience...
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize