just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize