he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
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