clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
