i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
