I wish my penis had an off switch
so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
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