Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Randomize
