The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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