I faked an abortion last night.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
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