why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
