Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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