I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
