Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
