wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
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