y did u give ur computer a hand job?
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Randomize
