I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
