I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
