I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Randomize
