Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Randomize
