I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
Randomize
