he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
