after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Randomize
