Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Did you pee in the oven last night??
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
