I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
My feet surprised me
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
