Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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