Skip Greektown and come to Geektown. I just want to cuddle.
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
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