I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
Randomize