I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
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