I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
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