Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Randomize
