here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
