god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
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