I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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