Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
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