you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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