I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Randomize
