thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
Randomize
