your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
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