Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
Randomize
