I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
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