Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize
