We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
