ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Randomize
