My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
