guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Found the puke drawer
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Randomize
