I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
