Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
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